The crazy cycle of emotions

This week has been a crazy cycle of emotions. The first thing I felt at finding out my new diagnosis was absolute shock followed not far behind by anger - I think this was pretty obvious in my last post. This lated until I met with my new specialist this past weekend and I became determined to sort this out - after all no babies for me until I do! I got to the point the night before this appointment where i was looking up how surrogacy works in this country - crazy jumping the gun shenanigans I know but I just needed some kind of worst case scenario for me and I could see this working really well for us and how we could do it (it also made me really passionate about making surrogacy a lot easier to access - and more legal than it is now as for some couples it is a wonderful option and it is just so hard here - ill hop off my soap box now as I really have very little information about it and my opinions are only minimally formed - I am also really aware that whilst this blog is primarily for me I really do not want to offend anyone!) Now that I have had some tests done and am having more scans and appointments next week I am just resigned - lets get this show on the road and sort it out ASAP - the sooner the better for my health and the chance at future babies.

As if PCOS was not enough...

So apparently having PCOS is not enough! The same blood test that I was ever so happy about in my last post had a sinister side to it. My RE called this evening and apparently I also have an over active thyroid. I have been checked for this a thousand times because it runs in my family. However I really did get a shock today because it has never come up as an issue and I had kind of become used to the idea that it never would.

I have been working and working on trying to deal with the PCOS and now I just feel like another spanner has been chucked in the works! I mean what else am I going to have to deal with?!! My RE has told me that there is no way that I should be thinking about conceiving right now and that just breaks my heart in two. I feel like I am up one minute and down the next.

All I can hope now is that my glucose test on Thursday does not come back positive for type 2 diabetes because that would be just the icing on the cake.

Sorry for the downer post - I was really aiming to become a lot more positive.

Hormonal Imbalance

There are two main factors when it comes to managing my PCOS - insulin resistance and an excess in androgens (male sex hormones). The weight loss journey that I am trying to undertake is focused upon both of these things however it is the excess in androgens that I am excited about today.

On Friday I went back to my GP just to have a chat about where I am after my RE visit and to see if she had the results from a blood test that I took earlier in the week. What I was looking for in the blood test results was to see if there was any change in these hormones. In people who do not have PCOS the ovaries make a small amount of male sex hormones but in PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This means that people who have PCOS can stop ovulating and grow excess body and facial hair - lucky me! The good news for me was that my levels have dropped 28% since July and 50% since January - my GP nearly high fived me. What I found interesting was the big drop since July considering I lost more weight between January and July than I have since then. I'd imagine that it was my body getting used to this fact but the only other thing that I have changed is the introduction of Myoinositol - maybe it is working...

As I left she was really positive and said that I would be pregnant in no time - the positivity is great but I still have 60 pounds to lose before I am out of the obese weight range on the BMI scale. I just have to keep going.

In this vein I have started using the MyFitnessPal: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ ap on my phone to track what I have been eating. I truly didn't think it was that bad and I just needed to exercise more and get out of the I am too tired, lazy and busy funk that I am in a lot of the time. Turns out I really am eating way too many calories for weight loss to be much of an option. I have begun to look back into low gi eating - I always hated the idea because I didn't like the taste of a lot of the food. However, I was reading some womens' journeys with PCOS on Keiko Zoll's blog: http://theinfertilityvoice.com/ and found a link to a woman who has used the South Beach Diet to lose weight. Now i'm not planning on going on any form of diet - I believe what I am doing has to be a lifestyle change and fit into my day to day life and still leave room for things that happen like birthdays, holidays, weekends away e.t.c and I refuse to feel any sort of guilt during these days. However, the plus of the south beach diet is that there seems to be a lot of low gi options so i'm going to try a few of the recepies from Kalyn's Kitchen: http://www.kalynskitchen.com/ and see how I go with trying to incorporate more of this type of food into my life.

Bitter Infertiles - a podcast about lady parts!

I have a few posts planned but have been away so haven't quite got them done yet.
In the meantime as part of my favourite blogs series I have to give a big shout out to the ladies at the Bitter Infertiles podcast. They have been discussing some really important topics to do with ttc, infertility and loss and it is definitely worth a listen for anyone who is going through any of these things.

You can access the podcast through their blog or via iTunes:
bitter infertiles.wordpress.com

On feeling gross...

I feel so fat and disgusting today. The last two weeks have been dreadful for my weight loss – I have been busy and stressed and I’m an emotional eater at the best of times. I was too scared to go to my personal training session because I didn’t want to get in trouble for putting on weight so I cancelled it…which just makes things worse. I was trying to put an audiobook on my phone today to listen to at the gym and everything took so long that I have run out of time because we are on our way to my in-laws for Sunday dinner.

I just feel like a failure and really need to find a way to get past this. It’s times like these when I really screw myself over – I have been on this journey for a year now and I have fluctuated so much during that time – if I had lost 2 pounds a week which was my goal I could have lost over 100 pounds by now – I’d be at my goal weight and my PCOS might be under control and I could be pregnant right now…it is all my fault that I’m not L

Jumped the gun...

No AF - Sigh...

Success...maybe?

There is another M word other than Metformin and Myoinositol when it comes to my struggle with PCOS and that is one that names a certain drive through fast food establishment with a clown as its mascot. Today I am proud to say that for one of the first times ever I avoided the temptation to take the convenient route on my way to work when I was running late. I have often displayed the temptation to use this establishment as my breakfast rendezvous point rather than think about a healthier option - today I did that. Go me! Is all I have to say :-)

Thank you so much for all of your messages regarding the birth of my nephew. He is the most wonderful little thing and my amazing sister only went through 5 hrs of labour after being induced with no tearing or anything! I am so very proud of her - she has handled everything so well!

I don't know if it is the hormones from meeting him or if it is the Myoinositol beginning to make a difference but I feel the beginnings of AF arriving. That would make this my first actual AF since April and the shortest in a long time! Hopefully she rears her ugly head because for one of the first times ever I am really looking forward to seeing her because that would mean that things are starting to work properly again!

Minor meltdown averted?

I’m in a much better place this week. Last week I had what can only be described as a meltdown. I wasn’t myself and I was barely functioning on a daily basis. Dealing with what feels like hundreds of people around me who are pregnant right now has been overwhelming. I have known for several years now that I would struggle to get pregnant but I think that there was always this tiny part of me that felt like it would happen anyway and that despite everything I would be a lucky one.

I think I am starting to feel better about this though and beginning to come to terms with it. I have found it quite easy to take the myo-inositol this week – I find it notoriously hard to take any form of supplement and was worried that this would be the case this time as well. Luckily it hasn’t.

Here’s to this new mind set lasting a while longer J

On another note...I am super excited because my sister is having her baby today!! Can't wait to meet him!

Baking & Babies and ICLW

This one is a yummy one that I LOVE to follow. The blog is about infertility (alleyrose has been recently diagnosed with PCOS after trying to conceive for 20 months - I love her tag line ‘if only making a baby was as easy as making a cupcake’), weight loss and the recipes she bakes to help her deal and I’m sure because they are super yummy!.

Drop in and try some of them:

www.bakingandbabies.com

 

And...if you are here from ICLW welcome - I am enjoying exploring your blogs - must get onto commenting :-)

Silly busy and being neglectful!

I have been a bad blogger! Work has been really busy and I have just been so tired and blogging has been towards the back of my mind. I will try to make up for it over the next few weeks!

For now - my Myoinositol arrived in the mail today and I started taking it tonight. I am really hoping I see some improvement through it like so many other people with PCOS seem to have!

I'll keep you updated - talk soon xox

When impatience strikes

While I am playing this waiting game until January I often feel like I am not doing enough (i am not the worlds most patient person). I am trying to lose weight and I am trying to remember to take my Metformin and other supplements daily. But despite this I feel like I need something more to get me through the next few months. It is REALLY hard to just wait and not even TRY to get pregnant.

Part of this issue is my relationship with Metformin. I understand why I am being told to take it and I have even seen success when I take it well when it comes to dropping the pounds but…I hate it. The side effects are not nice. Whenever I eat something slightly dodgy I will (sorry for the TMI) end up in the bathroom for extended periods. The problem is that I never know exactly what foods will do it to me if I eat them by accident and at work I really don’t want to deal with these side effects. Even walking through the supermarket after upping my dose one Sunday it was everything I could do not to vomit everywhere. The RE has recommended taking 250mg at breakfast, lunch and dinner (3 times daily) - and then upping this to 500mg 3 times per day for a total of 1500mg when I can handle it. I am trying to do this but every time I get close to upping it I forget to take it and need to start all over again.

Enter research on something I have seen talked about on various forums and blogs – Myoinositol. It does not seem to be readily available in Australia, and my GP had no idea what I was talking about when I asked her, but it does seem to be becoming the new M word in PCOS either to replace Metformin or to be taken with it. So, in the spirit of feeling like I am doing something proactive I have ordered some online and I am going to see how I react (I’ll discuss this with my doctors – don’t worry) – but if I can find something that helps me continue to lose weight and can possibly help me start ovulating and having a semi regular cycle then I’m all for giving it a go.

What do you think? Stupid idea or worth a try?

Thank you & (In)Fertility unexplained

Thanks for all the lovely comments to my last post - it is really nice to have the support especially when I have been so crazy busy this week and feeling really down.

I have been playing with blogger - being new to this and all - and have made a few changes to layout e.t.c I got married in the winter and it was definitely the best, most amazing day of my life and some days memories of it and the love of my husband are what keeps me going, hence the snowy backdrop.

Continuing with my favourite blogs series...

I am definitely late to the party with this blog. (In)Fertility unexplained has been around since early December 2011 but I only discovered it after Sass had successfully become pregnant after her 2^nd IVF. She is always honest and is also very caring about others in the blogging community that I am only just beginning to discover.

Check her out at: http://fertilityunexplained.blogspot.com.au/

On feeling down and wanting to give up!

Despite the fact that I have been having some success with my weight loss I feel like it is a never ending battle that I won’t ever be able to overcome. The amount of weight I have to lose just to have a chance at conceiving is astronomical and there are days when I just feel like chucking in the towel and giving up now – that is when the food spiral begins.

I’ll have a moment and eat whatever I want, consuming hundreds of calories at which point I feel so guilty that I end up doing it again! I pull myself out of it eventually but by then I have already undone so much hard work packing on up to 5 pounds. This last week has been really good – I have lost 2.5 pounds but I am coming out of a spiral that lasted probably a month. I had gone back up to 238 pounds from 231 pounds and was feeling like the biggest failure. This week I felt SO MUCH better and then I looked in the mirror today and came crashing back down again. I hate what I see there – I don’t feel the way I look! I don’t feel like an obese person, so when I see that in the mirror and the doctors tell me I can’t even try to have a baby yet it is so very disheartening.

It is a very good thing I see my personal trainer tomorrow. I know for a fact that if I just give up tonight he will figuratively kill me tomorrow. I just have to stick with it and see the positive side of things. In three weeks I have lost 7 pounds and that is not a number to sneeze at!

Please, Get in My Belly

To continue my “favourite infertility blogs” series I am going to stay on the PCOS infertility blogs bandwagon.

I want to feature Please, Get in My Belly. This blogger is only new like myself and has been catching up with posts about her journey thus far. The author describes themselves as “Just another infertile myrtle” and I love her style. Her blog has a 1950’s feel to it with great images and post titles. She has recently written about successfully becoming pregnant and her subsequent miscarriage and I wish her all the luck in the world as she continues her journey xox

Check her out at: http://pleasegetinmybelly.wordpress.com/



 

 

 

My Favourite Blogs

This is the start of a new series of posts that discusses my favourite infertility blogs that I follow. Some of them have had success in becoming pregnant recently and I will warn in this in my posts. For me though I love it when they are finally able to announce that they are pregnant – it gives me such hope that I will be able to be successful one day too. Some days I feel like a bit of a fraud having an infertility blog when we have only officially tried for one month and I didn’t even ovulate but I’m putting that aside. There is so little detailed information about people’s journeys with PCOS out there – just a lot of generalised statements about how it’s not that bad and I’ll get pregnant eventually.

So in this vein the first blog I am going to list as a favourite is that of fellow PCOS sufferer Aly (or Jaguar if you know her through her Weddingbee fame) – Breathe Gently. I love this blog because it was the first one that I began to follow. I really connect with her as Aly is so honest and open, yet has remained hopeful and really fought against her infertility and a lot of odds stacked up against her. She has recently had success through her 2^nd IVF cycle and I wish her and J all the success in the world with their pregnancy.

Check her out at: http://www.breathegently.com/

 

RE Visit

I have totally had the best start to the blogging universe – total MIA moment! My bad!

To make up for it I have an update. Turns out the RE had a cancellation and we were able to get in a month earlier than planned which is really good considering what she said.

Basically yes I have PCOS, I have to do a whole bunch of tests for her – which is actually great, the more information we have the better! And we are not allowed to try until the New Year at the very earliest. Long story short – I’m too fat! Even if I did ovulate, which is not happening at the moment – thank you VERY much PCOS!!, I am so overweight that she doesn’t hold out hope that I’d be able to carry to term without complication.

This sent me into a little meltdown. Despite the fact that I have lost the “recommended” 5-10% of my body weight to try and resume ovulation with PCOS it’s not enough and I still have to wait before I can get any help.

Despite how bitter I may sound I get it – and hopefully in the long run I will appreciate it when I have a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms – fingers crossed xox
THE PLAN: lose as much weight as I can before January – would LOVE to be under 200 pounds, currently 234 – and try to get hubby to refrain from the NTNT moments that he has had in the past week – I didn’t try and stop him mind you – so that I don’t get in trouble J

Why an infertility blog?

Growing up and seeing my life ahead of me I only ever had one goal that I knew wouldn’t change – I wanted to get married and have babies. I knew deep down that my one desire in life, despite having other goals, was to find a man who would love me for who I was and who would make me a mummy. Well, despite all my teenage angst, I found my man and have recently married the love of my life and couldn’t be happier…except for one thing…turns out I have this little thing called PCOS and baby making, especially with wonky or non-existent  cycles isn’t as easy as it is for everyone else.

I decided to start this blog to help me through this and even if it helps no one else, or even just one other person the way that I have been affected by other peoples’ stories and blogs than it will be worth my while.

Check out my TTC timeline here

More to come…